I laugh because I'm awkward.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

rire.

so i went back to read my prologue today.. and i wanted to tell you guys another story about my awkward laughing.

I was having a conversation with (let's call him) N. N was asking me questions, and we ended getting into an argument. I knew that he was getting mad, so i did what i usually do, which is laugh. ha ha ha. and .. well he was not too happy with my laughing. see, when i laugh, i make it so that i am joking around, to lighten the mood, however N having a huge stick shoved up his ass, told me that he took the laughing as if i was laughing at him. honestly, why are you so conscious of what other people think of you? do you not know how to joke or laugh? did you know that laughing can heal? and that if you are so serious all the time and let so many little things get to you and in the end you just turn away from everyone and everything who wants to be a part of you? i guess you don't know. that's why you had to give up. isn't it?

i have a client, and she has been through so much. she has be beaten so badly that she was unrecognizable, her children barely speak to her because they "have no time", she can barely walk on her own, but when i go to see her, she is smiling and laughing and joking around. I cannot understand how some people can let the world get to them so badly.. but i'm glad there are people that can laugh everything off, because at the end of the day, no one is laughing at you, but yourself.

i will live, laugh, and love, until i am blue in the face.

- j

l'or canadienne.

also forgot to mention..

we totally whopped the american's in the gold medal game at the olympics. 24 seconds left & the americans tied the game HOWEVER. overtime + crosby = canadian gold, on canadian ice. a very proud moment. so proud for canadians, they began to riot on the streets. i am good. for another four years. :) good job team. and now.. i go back to not watching sports. sigh. i love the winter olympics. :)

i am canadian.

- j

would you have noticed.

misplaced?

above the concrete, if not through it.

restrictions will not stop us from reaching above & beyond.

- j

all i can do is.

sometimes you're given chances. multiple chances. you get the things that you want so badly, but sometimes.. almost every time.. you manage to let it slip out of your fingers. and once again.. you lose hope. enough is enough. i'm sick of doing this to myself over and over; time and time again. i need to know how to fix this, so that i don't go a little bit crazy every time i start to lose a little bit of hope. i need to stop giving up on myself and have a little more faith. that's why i did what i didn't it? to remind myself that i should always have faith in myself? .. work hard. play hard. and i will benefit from the rewards. i need to stop just getting by.. and being a little bit lucky.

i am getting desperate. it's taking over my mind. i need to get out of limbo. i hope.. i am hoping so badly and i can pass this hurdle. and i promise to myself.. that things will change. yes. i say that every time. i know i slip up. i always do. but i'm begging you. please. please.

just please. let me take this and turn it around for myself. i can do this. i can be the best i can be. i just need this one last chance. for me. for everyone around me.

- j

Monday, March 1, 2010

the only this i'm missing, is me.

i've officially tried everything. running away. running back. running away again. actually running away to banff. massages. work. alcohol. you name it. i've tried it.. and still i can't seem to get myself back to the 100% that i am. i'm supposed to be stronger and smarter than this.

the one thing that i always do.. i didn't. which is.. rebound. not even rebound.. just someone new to occupy my space and time so that i can get over this noise. but no. for some reason.. i can't seem to let myself fall into that routine. so.. i'm still trying. .. and trying.

i miss me. i miss the happy go lucky.. i don't need you to bring me down every once in a while because you seemed to have wandered into my mind again me and the i am the most amazing person i know me. so. i'm going to work on me.. until i can finally breathe again.

so.. really. it's not you that i'm missing. it's me. you just took that part of me that i'm trying to get back.

- j