early morning mind fuck

I Keep on reading these stories, artcles.. Whatever u call them "written projections" of what love is, what its supposed to feel like, how you can have a successful love life etc.. And every time I read one I always question my own...

I don't know if its a good idea these, so called projections of love. You know 'studies show' that couples who don't live together, stay together. Or couples who spend more time in courtship last longer than those who immediately fall in love.

I've been in so many so called "relationships" and each one is so new to me. I though you know after dating the first couple of screw up I would know exactly what I want, when to know that I'm asking for too much, and how to figure out how I truly feel. But guess again. Every step forward I take, I take two steps backwards.

Its funny cause the only time I have a reality check is when one of my friends go "look. You had boy with X quality, and you weren't happy. And right now you're not in super lust or love, but this one has quality W,E,X,Z. You have to know when to give or take."

Maybe I'm just scared in 3 yrs I won't want quality W, E, X, Z. Or will I?

I feel like everything Ive ever gone through and learned from affected me in a way or another and no matter how we say we don't want love and affection, we seek it in all shapes and forms.

And maybe its cause for far to long, love and affection was shown to me by breaking my trust and others always finding new excuses not to continue trying. I became accustom to being broekn then being picked up out of loneliness by someone who implanted lust and desperation for love. Isn't that sad? For five years I would find myself back to a safety blanket who was actually just using me because.. I was vulnerable?

Life hey? You live through it, look back on it.. And all the good things that happen can just vanish in a few seconds. What you're left with is questions on whether you're living for your own selfish needs or if you're willing to live and make sacrifices.

... I think I need a coffee.