Did, Didn't, Do

How do you know if your being appreciated or not? Is it what they do, what they say or how the act? Every relationship changes with the feel of appreciation. I've been told that appreciation does not need to be spoken aloud, but rather felt.

If comparing what a list of what has been done determines how appreciated they are, then I should be at the top. But the truth is, its not just what you do. I find girls very conflicting in what they say since they say "I never see or talk to you anymore", but when you see them there isn't much to even say. Is that a sign that things should be over? But if it should end like this, then why are there feelings that tell us to hold on?

This post has a lot of questions, because I still question myself about what I should do. I know what the answer should be, but is hope enough to keep me going? Hope is normally just wishful thinking so why give yourself hope when there is no hope...

J2

when you think things are finally over..

they aren't.

burning out.

i am burning out.

- j (image via weheartit)

GOLD GUNS GIRLS

metric.

i don't wanna bend like the bad girls bend

i just wanna be your friend

is it ever gonna be enough?

- j

i have nothing better to post as of yet...

school, work, school work.. homework. assignments and on top of that.. "person".. is .. confusing! oh my life is a big box of confuddled thoughts. so much to do.. so little time.. so little sleep.

this next month is going to drive me tomatoes.

this is what i did last night and today.. my case presentation concept map on rh alloimmunization and breech presentation. cute right? mmmm. (like my stack of timmy's? i won a donut. :D) k off to shower. clinical till ten tonight. :(

- j

save me, i'm lost

show me what i'm looking for...

- carolina liar

we all don't have to believe in the same things, we just have to believe.

- j

HAPPINESS on $10 a day.

for christmas L got me this book called happiness on $10 a day. she bought me the book because i kept on saying "dude im poor!" to her everytime we would want to do anything. it's been a while and i've read a bit of the first couple of pages of this book but said "yeah i'll get to it".

lately, i've been feeling a little crazy. lol yes crazy. so i realized i need to get back to my happy roots and start actually saving to go to mexico. so i've decided to go for the happiness for under 10 dollars and blog about it. yaaay. i'll keep on ranting and update my blog about everything else in my life.. but i think blogging about my $10 a day happiness will but fun :).

so whenever i hang out with someone now, i am going to choose a random activity from this book a blog about it. horray. be excited. be VERY excited. :)

- j

good afternoon.

it's my first day off of school in a while so i'm taking it easy.. i met this resident while on clinical yesterday.. and well when i think of it.. why should i waste my time on "likes" that really are not part of the bigger picture? there is so much out there.. and well i just need to concentrate on being the best i can be so that i can meet someone equally cool in the long run. ya.. my heart is too focused on finding the right one.. i'm a sucker for romance.. but as afraid as the many last ones have made me.. life is about taking chances right? right.

oh man i am hungry... or so i think i am. and i have to clean up.. ohhh my...

- j

hysterical.

i can sit and laugh and joke.

.. actually. i can sit and laugh and joke with a lot of people. and i never have to worry about what they will think, say or do, because i know that there's such a strong bond of trust between me and these meticulously chosen few.

me and L always joke that we can count our friends with our fingers, because that's the few that we have. in a world where popularity and climbing the ladder of social greatness is what some people emphasize on, i am blessed to even have one trustworthy friend!

I've seen myself be blindsided time and time again from people i thought i trusted and i truly believed cherished my relationship with them. and i'm lucky that i've been able to catch myself through the fall and weed out their drama and ignorance. and trust me, i've tried to be a good friend, but everyone takes things for granted. everyone.

so again, i'm thanking my friends for being able to sit and have a conversation about almost nothing for as long as our eyes stay open.

"it is with you that i can laugh hysterically at everything i see, and everything i don't."

- j

eah'gasmic.

current album:

yeah yeah yeah's - it's blitz.

a perfect example of everything right now. :)

- j

i just realized..

you don't inspire me.

funny.

- j

tendencies.

to get pulled unknowingly into situations involving other peoples emotions.

do i try to make things better? or .. do i just leave it as is

situations tend to correlate at the most convenient times, don't they.

i shouldn't be held responsible for people's inability to pick up after themselves.

i'm not mad. i could be disappointed, but i wont.

i'll just keep on going. whatever happens next, will happen.

- j

qu'elle horror!

last night i had a dream that my teacher gave me back my

long lost pokemon cards and i started crying because i was so happy..

and then i woke up.

found this picture on weheartit. hard core man.. hard core.

maybe i'll get something back that i thought i lost..

mayhaps.

- j

as expected, i am fine.

i've admitted to myself that it is real.

at the same time, i'm running away and masking how i feel.

eventually, they will die down and i will 'let go'.

around the circle again it goes.

- j

its the pink underwear..

i am feeling empowered.

*i woke up and the rain washed away my fears. no need to worry when i have faith & amazing laughs with amazing people.

i am happy, strong, and caring. more importantly, i am free of you.

- j (image via weheartit)

someone's always looking out.

don't fall in love when you're lonely,

fall in love when you're ready.

& not everyone knows this :)

thanks Aks.

- j

uncle karl's wisdom.

- j

image via weheartit

silversun pickups.

May 29 - Muse w/ Silversun Pickups = STOKED.

**this song is so good.

"sit back and breathe, it's nice to know you work alone"

- j

yeah yeah yeahs.

speaking of little shadows

"to the night, will you follow me?"

- j

little shadow.

if it hasn't worked out yet, why would it work out now?

it seems that it's gone on and on forever and ever.

we're entwined in a relationship, i don't even know that we both agree on..

but as much as we've run away from it, we've still got the past between us.

a future? .. would not work out even if we tried so hard.

we'll sit and stare at it, until we turn our backs and leave. but again, and again, it will keep following us.

you may make me feel a little weird inside,

butterflies, even.

but it won't work. and we both know it.

sometimes i want to ask you to follow me. just to see if you will.

would i follow you? .. as a shadow. but no more.

WE.

an idea, that just won't go away.

- j

assholes always win.

but only if you're chuck bass.

so stop lying to your pathetic self.

- j

surround yourself with things..

to make up for what you lack inside.

to everyone else, you stories are all ____

- j

image via weheartit.

dissect it like a mothafucka.

i've been so busy lately with school.. that when the weekend comes upon me, funny things happen.

in a nutshell: i realized i have feelings for a friend, and i tried to justify the fact that he's an asshole but really, he really is an asshole so that's why i keep on going hot and cold on him and being blunt and rude to him because, really, no one deserves to have their wall broken by some guy that needs to prove his ability to one up everyone else. as long as you're a dick to me, i'll be a bitch to you. when you wanna place nice, i'll play nice. but i'm not going to mope over you. so, unlucky you, my feelings are crawling back into the hole lol. i also found out that i was okay and over my ex, and when i tried to be friends with him, he went all weird on me. am i one hundred percent okay with you moving on? even if i wasn't, knowing that you can't even be honest with me shows me that you're not worth me crying over. so yes. i am okay. why do you have to go and prove something to me anyways?

that being said, it's not that i don't care anymore, it's that i'm not going to let 'your' problems with yourself affect me. figure yourself out. then let me know if you want to have any sort of relationship. i have my flaws, but what i do know, is that i don't have to prove myself time and time again to those around me. the only person that really cares is myself.

me and L dissected the events of today like a motherfucker.

- j

four years.

and counting...

when will it stop?

- j

i scraped my knees while i was praying

and found a demon in my safest haven...

- j

taken from 'corners'.

"Teach me how to decipher all the confused faces by closing my eyes, and how to yell with my mouth closed, and how to never eat in an empty restaurant, and how to never leave the windows of my heart open when it looks like rain, and how everyone has a stump where something necessary was amputated. Teach me how to know what's missing."

- a fraction of whole by steve tolt

*thankyou to my russian doll :)

- j

for that second, i am weak.

"and i wonder if i ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time"

lady antebellum - need you now

- j

grey's anatomy.

there are two characters that perfectly describe me and L,

and meredith & christina are them. :)

i love greys anatomy! & love you L.

- j

be still in the night.

(picture of my bed goes here. it's green.)

in the morning i will smile and let life in. for now, i sleep.

goodnight.

- j

it all falls down.

i feel like i'm falling and crashing.

this waiting thing is driving me insane. waiting for marks, waiting for a sense of reality to come back. just waiting on the rest of the world so that i can move on. when things are out of your own hands, all you can do is wait.

- j

rire.

so i went back to read my prologue today.. and i wanted to tell you guys another story about my awkward laughing.

I was having a conversation with (let's call him) N. N was asking me questions, and we ended getting into an argument. I knew that he was getting mad, so i did what i usually do, which is laugh. ha ha ha. and .. well he was not too happy with my laughing. see, when i laugh, i make it so that i am joking around, to lighten the mood, however N having a huge stick shoved up his ass, told me that he took the laughing as if i was laughing at him. honestly, why are you so conscious of what other people think of you? do you not know how to joke or laugh? did you know that laughing can heal? and that if you are so serious all the time and let so many little things get to you and in the end you just turn away from everyone and everything who wants to be a part of you? i guess you don't know. that's why you had to give up. isn't it?

i have a client, and she has been through so much. she has be beaten so badly that she was unrecognizable, her children barely speak to her because they "have no time", she can barely walk on her own, but when i go to see her, she is smiling and laughing and joking around. I cannot understand how some people can let the world get to them so badly.. but i'm glad there are people that can laugh everything off, because at the end of the day, no one is laughing at you, but yourself.

i will live, laugh, and love, until i am blue in the face.

- j

l'or canadienne.

also forgot to mention..

we totally whopped the american's in the gold medal game at the olympics. 24 seconds left & the americans tied the game HOWEVER. overtime + crosby = canadian gold, on canadian ice. a very proud moment. so proud for canadians, they began to riot on the streets. i am good. for another four years. :) good job team. and now.. i go back to not watching sports. sigh. i love the winter olympics. :)

i am canadian.

- j

would you have noticed.

misplaced?

above the concrete, if not through it.

restrictions will not stop us from reaching above & beyond.

- j

all i can do is.

sometimes you're given chances. multiple chances. you get the things that you want so badly, but sometimes.. almost every time.. you manage to let it slip out of your fingers. and once again.. you lose hope. enough is enough. i'm sick of doing this to myself over and over; time and time again. i need to know how to fix this, so that i don't go a little bit crazy every time i start to lose a little bit of hope. i need to stop giving up on myself and have a little more faith. that's why i did what i didn't it? to remind myself that i should always have faith in myself? .. work hard. play hard. and i will benefit from the rewards. i need to stop just getting by.. and being a little bit lucky.

i am getting desperate. it's taking over my mind. i need to get out of limbo. i hope.. i am hoping so badly and i can pass this hurdle. and i promise to myself.. that things will change. yes. i say that every time. i know i slip up. i always do. but i'm begging you. please. please.

just please. let me take this and turn it around for myself. i can do this. i can be the best i can be. i just need this one last chance. for me. for everyone around me.

- j

the only this i'm missing, is me.

i've officially tried everything. running away. running back. running away again. actually running away to banff. massages. work. alcohol. you name it. i've tried it.. and still i can't seem to get myself back to the 100% that i am. i'm supposed to be stronger and smarter than this.

the one thing that i always do.. i didn't. which is.. rebound. not even rebound.. just someone new to occupy my space and time so that i can get over this noise. but no. for some reason.. i can't seem to let myself fall into that routine. so.. i'm still trying. .. and trying.

i miss me. i miss the happy go lucky.. i don't need you to bring me down every once in a while because you seemed to have wandered into my mind again me and the i am the most amazing person i know me. so. i'm going to work on me.. until i can finally breathe again.

so.. really. it's not you that i'm missing. it's me. you just took that part of me that i'm trying to get back.

- j

when i'm sitting alone all i think of is..

- j

i left my heart for you to take.

but all you did was walk all over it...

- j