hope.

Why am I more hopeful for the past than I am for the future?

- j

healing.

Some nights I lay down and think...

I can do this.

Other nights I ask..

Why is this taking so long?

Everything surfaces in the end.

- j

canada vs. usa

unfortunately. we lost the game.. 5-3 for usa..

HOWEVER. we'll totally kick germany's ass. :) SO quarter final's are ONLY a game away.

on the bright side.. me and L drew a portrait of Patrick Chan,

canada's male skater who came in 5? .. ya.

seriously.. he looked way hotter in the mcdonald commercials... anywho study time!

- j

loss.

"To lose your parents is to lose your past, to lose your spouse is to lose your present, and to lose your child is to lose your future."

- found in my nursing notes.

- j

disappointment.

so.. today. being the awesome person i am.. i thought i would send a message to one of my old friends who i stopped talking to a while back because.. well he's a douche bag. Me and this friend.. let's call him E for enemy. :) so me and E have been friends since we were little youngin's playing outside living across the street from each other. We lost touch a bunch of times.. but as we got older we became friends again.. even dated for a bit. After we broke up which was many years ago, we were sort of still friends..but not really. Every time E had a new gf, he would ditch our friendship in favour of love. Now don't get me wrong, i love LOVE. i would do a lot of things for love.. but when i make mistakes regarding friendships, i always try and make it right and never commit a fault a second time. That being said, the second time around he decided to choose femm over friend, i decided to stop talking to him and give him the cold shoulder. I've been friends with this person for a very long time, and at one point we were super tight... you would think that after all these years E would have been .. the littlest bit enthusiastic that i decided to talk to him again? nope. nope. not at all. well from the reply all i got was a "good. and you?" .. ya. im sorry. if you're really friends with someone.. you go. HEY I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN SO LONG. IM SUCH A DOUCHE BAG...instead i pretty much got BUT SINCE I REALLY AM A DOUCHE BAG. I AM NOT GOING TO APPRECIATE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

i guess i just wanted to see if he changed and to see if i could continue just being nice to him instead of having to hate on him. i don't hate. i'm just disappointed.

another one bites the dust.

*i'm obviously over exaggerating .. but still. lol

- j

sas'quatchi!

i did it! i found him! and he was one sale too!!! :)

although.. i am still on the hunt for a hUGE squatchi!!!

he is by far the cutest of the four vancouver 2010 winter olympic mascots.

he's SOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!

he even has the red canada gloves!

CANADA! CANADA! CANADA!

- j

today...

i am a grumpy old fart.

- j

valentines

L: "You know how we were talking about girls who flaunt gifts from their boyfriends?"

j: "Yeah"

L: "Ya! the weekend was mobile upload crazy on faceook!"

Lol too funny L, too funny

- j

my keys.

my best friends giraffe, L has the matching zebra.

car starter, car keys, & my many other keys

+ my world health card & my monokoro.boo lanyard.

i am THAT bored :)

- j

my attempt to study..

i have two nursing exams following reading week...

laptop, notes, highlighter, artery clogging snack, caffein and cell phone.

all i need now is motivation....

- j

mutual friendship.

soo j2 finally wanted to post something.. but the blogger website wouldn't load on his computer for some reason.. so i told him i would post our msn conversation :)

* the black is j & the blue is J2

mm i read a story

a guy met this girl and cause of one thing he broke up with her

he searched his whole life looking for that perfect someone

in the end he settled for less then what he could've had if it was that first girl

that stories always on my mind now

hahah wish you showed c that story

just cause it happened to that one guy

you settle what you let yourself settle for. if you have expectations.. you will never find anyone that meets them

true and not true

alot of people settle for less

some people settle for a bit better

some settle or what they think is good

and some do search hoping to find that someone

its possible to find someone perfect but chances are slim

thats why a and s were almost perfect for me

a knew how to treat a man and obeyed

s was willing to yell at me if she knew it was right

keep me in line

there are lots of girls like that

u just haven't met the one yet

for sure you can find a girl.. u just have to wait a little

yea

me gonna wait longer

and not date until

i unno

i feel like it

that's why im not bawling over c anymore.. im keeping faith ill meet someone

yea me gonna try that

im talking to m right now

she keeps telling me how she cares

but i know it won't be the same

all ex's say they care

c said he still cares

i know she means it

but its in a different way

i know c means it too. but im not giving him the chance to truely be my friend until im over it

cause if im not over it.. im just gonna keep going back asking him for more

yea

thats what im saying too

gj buddy

we think alike

:) cavepeople forlifeeeee

yupyup

hmMmm

HMMMMMMMM.

HM hm hm hm hmmm.

hmm.

spotted. new prospect.

.. now it's a matter of when, and where. and whether or not i'm ready.

i'm probably not.. but.. i suppose i'll just wait. for a while. :)

- j

chain messages..

so today's chain bbm message comes to you from little j..

"Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend.. Just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus, or occasionally shit yourself.. You hang in there sunshine. You're fucking special."

um.. thanks little j. that made me feel.. SUPER good about myself. lol ...

*runs away crying*

- j

no more tears.

look at those bedroom eyes.

om nom nom nom nom nom. NOM NOM NOM NOM.

robert pattinson & his details cover.

edward cullen,

you are one person who would never make me cry :)

- j (image via details)

wanted.

vancouver 2010 quatchi doll!

cutest mascot ever!!

i am on the hunt. i saw them in banff when i was there in july.. butttttt i think they're super expensive here.. so maybe i'll wait till after the games.. hMMM lol. hes so cute!!!

go canada go! bring home the gold!

- j

weekend of amazingness

wow. where do i begin. hmm. i guess we can start off saying, it's been a while since i've felt .. happy to be out and about and single and just doing my own thing. i'm so happy that i have the amazing friends that i do and amazing family... wow i know cheesy right? but i don't think i've been happier. :)

i've included pictures because my sister says the only way i'll be able to get her attention to reading my blog is with pictures...

this is my sister's dog, or the family dog apple :) she was staying at my house for the day so i decided to take a lot of pictures of her. personally.. i would like a fluffier dog, but apples so cute sometimes :) she's so small..and.. well a princess. she doesn't like other dogs..and likes all the attention to herself.. hmm just like me?!!!!! .. maybe not as much...

so for valentines day i didn't really do much. sat around.. read a book. one about a geisha.. and how she was the most beautiful witty and.. amazing strong woman ever. :) i hope i can be more like that. but to get there we all have our hardships right? thanks to L, she gave me the jonas brothers dvd for valentines. as i quote my sister "you're a bad boyfriend" .. so i'm sorry L that i didn't do anything special for you.. i'll make it up to you though. but i must say. this was probably one of the best valentines i've ever had. no expectations.. and well.. it came up nothing short of interesting.. events .. that took place. .. not that they were too crazy of events let me tell u.. but interesting enough. haha. maybe i'll write about them later..

what i did do.. was go to frequency. which has got to be the best rave of 2010 by far. just paul van dyke headlining it (ft. benni benassi, marco v, ferry corsten & more) was just amazing. i fell asleep with my ears ringing and dancing my way to my dreams lol im for REAL when i say it was pretty sweet. my ankle that i sprained two years ago is acting up again cause i decided to dance away my night from like 930 pm - 415 am. CRAZY. im running on 5 hours of sleep right now.. lol pretty tired. but i had lots of fun.. i came there alone but you know you're pretty into the scene when you can come there and for sure you'll have a couple groups of people that you can count on having a good night with :) yay for life.

maybe i'll tell my interesting story about boys tomorrow.. hahaha. me and sm were exchanging interesting stories of the night today.. yay for adventure!

- j

happy chinese new years/valentines day :)

its the year of the tiger!

not that i am a tiger.. but still.. any excuse to celebrate right? :D

new years is my moms favourite holiday so every year on new years eve she goes all out and gets vast amounts of food and we spend the whole day cooking and cleaning. At 12 am new years day, we always get red pocket money from her, pray to the gods in hope for a wonderful enlightening year and that our family will be safe. :) yay for new years!

that aside.. it is also valentines day :).. hmm this is my first year without one in a very long time.. but no need to worry. i am pretty happy this year :) why you ask? this is the first year with no expectation.. and no disappointment. i know i know.. why should i be expecting so much out of one silly little day anyways? its cause.. i am a girl and every so often i like to fall into cliche and one up everyone with my valentine experiences. My poor ex from last valentines day did everything right.. except for the smallest little details which made me mad bhahaa. so. yes. no expectations this year. oh cept that my valentine this year is my best friend. yay!

hmm what else.. i have more to write but my tummy hurts right now. be back in a little while :)

*side note: the olympics are here on home turf.. GO CANADA GO!!

- j

a big fat ocean of love

Out there.. Is a little fishie that is swimming its way towards me. There is someone .. That will meet my expectations.. And commit to me with everything he is. He surpasses everything imaginable.. And most of all.. His love for me will be endearing and genuine.
So as much as I'm trying to fight the waves.. Ill slowly float along as the content little fishie I am.. until serendipity happens.

- j

misguided ghosts.

i can be the really nice person i am... or i can be the really sarcastic bitchy person i am every other day. however.. i believe too much in karma to be a bitch most of the time...

it's hard to be nice to someone who .. makes you want to question humanity. and im not even joking. seriously.. people are.. so stupid/rude/selfish/ignorant. etc.

ugh. i just don't understand what we've come to sometimes...

Paramore - Misguided Ghosts

I am going away for a while

But I'll be back, don't try and follow me

'Cause I'll return as soon as possible

See I'm trying to find my place

But it might not be here where I feel safe

We all learn to make mistakes

And run

From them, from them

With no direction

We'll run from them, from them

With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts

Traveling endlessly

Don't need no roads

In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life

And pain is just a simple compromise

So we can get what we want out of it

Would someone care to classify,

Of broken hearts and twisted minds

So I can find someone to rely on

And run

To them, to them

Full speed ahead

Oh you are not, Useless

We are just

Misguided ghosts

Traveling endlessly

The ones we trusted the most

Pushed us far away

And there's no one road

We should not be the same

But I'm just a ghost

And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

- j

happy birthday to the oldest.

it's my sister's birthday today.. and man is she OLD.

haha i'm just kidding. she's 27 today. yay!. i went for dinner tonight with my three siblings.. and i think.. that i have a really amazing group of siblings. mhm! although.. we're all very different .. very very different actually. you would never have known that we're siblings.. i've been mistaken as my sister's friend.. or even my brothers gf.. AWKWARD. lol. but im happy. really happy. a little sad that my sisters are moved out..and that i barely see my brother.. but tonight at dinner.. i felt really glad to have them as my siblings :)

mMmm what else.. i dont know.. i wasn't feeling too well today.. i really need to go to the gym but .. my head hurts.. my tummy hurts and really all i want to do is sleep. hmm.

i was arguing with myself today.. because i have to drop something off for C ..however i haven't talked to him in almost a week.. and well.. i thought i was ready to see him and be nice to him.. but i guess i'm not. takes a little longer than a week i guess. :P

hmm. ya nothing else is new with me.. my tutorial is ovaaa.. well wednesday it's over.. and clinicals are coming soon.. hmm. k night

- j

mes amis.

i think i've already wrote about this before.. but i can't really remember...

friends. its funny how when you grow older.. you see how they truely are. hmm. i have a lot of different group of friends. actually, it's more like i have a very random assortment of friends that come from different groups. ..

i remember thinking when i was younger that i wanted to grow up with my group of friends..that's so when i was 40 i could say "oh me and so and so here have been best friends since grade 3..." .. but no. life doesn't really work that way.

my close group of friends since grade 7 were very close. we called each other "angels".. unfortunately i was very close with all the girls up until high school... which is when we all grew distant and .. grew into our own person. I'd like to say that I'm still super closer with each and every one of them.. but no. I do still hang out with them.. but a lot of them.. well.. actually.. one or two of them have made me realize that just because you know someone for so long, it's never guarantee that they'll be there for you.

flyleaf - there for you. speaks wonders to me. because in the end.. we are all a little selfish about .. everything.. and as good of a friend you are to your best friend or to anyone at that matter.. you're always thinking about yourself. .. and that's coming from someone.. who really wants to help everyone. :P..

i admit.. i am a very selfish person.. but i think we're all selfish because we just don't want to get hurt. hmm.

so i'm very happy with my random assortment. i went out with one of the group of girls last night.. and i felt .. safe? .. ya. safe. i was happy. compared to the group of girls that i usually party with.. those girls are.. well we have fun.. but there's always a little drama mixed into that cocktail which always leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

time to clean my room. thanks to the people that time and time again leave a small impression of happiness in my heart :)

- j

mature

i was reading perezhilton today, and he had this quote that was talking about jenny mcarthy's relationship with jim carry.

"It's just night and day comparison to my past relationships. I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than 2 years! It gets boring. And you know it's true love when you still get butterflies with you kiss him. I think just him being my soul mate is the key to everything."

reading quotes like that makes me .. excited to feel like that. i did feel like that in the beggining with C but unfortunately we let the best of our flaws get to us.. and now.. i can't even get myself to talk to him. ...

that being said.. i need to mature up. things happen.. time to let them go and not hang on to them for dear life. is it my ego that won't let me let go of him? or am i really in it cause i truely care about him? because if i truely cared.. i would just be civil and wish him the best..

so .. as much as i want to believe that i am a wise old 21 year old.. i am very childish. i like to be spiteful and sware and tell people off as it is...because its true.. however i guess there's a fine line of being blunt and rude.

im slowly taking these steps.. i guess that's why dragon's have to marry later in life.. because we're so irrational that it takes time to develop tolerance? perhaps. perhaps.

- j

the beginning is the end is the beginning.

*today i woke up and smiled :)

i felt really good for the first time in.. about three weeks. honestly.. deleting C off my bbm was the best thing i could have done for myself.. even THOUGH L, jdub & another one of my friends insisted that i delete him off a bajillion years ago. .. i am happy. :)

so i woke up.. went to work and went to the gym (for the first time in two weeks).. god i hope i'm not sore in the morning. i have to go again tmr. gaining weight is not fun kids. especially when you want the ex to one day go "oh my god. she looks so good.. end life now". :) yep. being spiteful is really my best friend. i sware! oh besides L. lol.

i went to dimsum & the mall with L today. i think we need to have our own show L. lol actually..before we were going to have one called the prairies.. bahaha you know... the HILLS. .. alberta.. the prairies.. YA.. i know. SO original right? hahaha well. i spent money and bought myself a waterbottle from lululemon, a workout bag from lululemon annd underwear, and a shirt. andddddddd i can't remember what else. all i do know is that i was complaining a lot because i was tired .. ya. im getting OLD. :(

so at dimsum, L decided to do psych tests on me.. and what did we figure out?

1) i am not easy to please when it comes to finding husband material

2) my ego is as big as a cardboard box, my "wall" to other people is as transparent as a cardboard box, i am as ambitious as a very tall ladder.. or 6ft? 12 ft? i can't remember.. and my future soulmate is going to stand and stare at me in admiration..

3) my easiness is 8ft tall, it takes 30 people to fully satisfy me & after a night of.. "fun" i would say "i'm sorry, i was hungry" (or.. something else at that matter...)

bwhaha very funny. hahahahhaaha we had a good laugh :) there's a book on psych tests.. i really want to go buy it now.. :D

yay? ya.. me and L have very VERY good conversations.. oh that reminds me.. we were looking at the lemers at wem today..

i've named him lamar the lemer. lol. and since im going to be single now.. i wanted to be the cat lady :D but since my siblings are allergic and cats drive L crazy, i thought about buying myself a lemer.. then L said "i thought you wanted a ferret? why not a striped ferret" lol .. omg that's just like having the lemers tail as a pet.. "oh ya sorry, i wanted a lemer, but only the tail as a pet" bahaha and then i compared that to "oh ya sorry, i wanted a rat, but i only wanted the tail as a pet so i got a worm." HAHAHAHA. ya.. that comment made L almost choke on her bbt...

throughout the day i tried not to think about C, and although i was happy.. i guess its hard not to miss him. i was really tired and didn't feel well.. and i could only think about how i wanted to be comforted by him. oh well. thank god my bed is amazingly comfortable. or else i would never get through life. bahaha

anyways.. i've decided to put a little more tlc into this blog so it'll be more enjoyable for all 4 of you to read.. bwhahaah. i am pooped out of my mind. sleeping early. night!

*ps. my phone takes pretty sweet pictures :D

- j

zZzzz

i've decided to write more MORE MORE more MORE!

finally. sleep.. so nice.. so comfy.. so .. soo..so.. so .. zzzzzzz.

i was thinking to myself today.. it's really time to accept and let go. be happy with what i have, and move forward. cause i can only be the best i can be, and be hopeful that someone will realize that in me one day and love me for ME.

and till then, i will work and strive to be better than i am now.. which is.. not very good at all considering i've decided to sloth myself into .. a huge pigsty of a room..

i should start posting pictures... i like little j's blog it's very cute :) .. my blog needs a..

MAKEOVER MAKE OVER.. MAKE. OV ER! (clone high reference anyone?)

okay. passingout. GOODNIGHT. i will work on my bloggy tmr :)

- j

no no, i insist.

.. you jump off first.

oh, well don't mind if I help you out. Pushing makes you fall faster.

I promise.

:)

hurrah

i went to sleep at 4:45 am this morning.. AND was late for class because i slept in.

HORRAY FOR ME! im sitting in fouth floor edu..on a comfy couch.. but i have tutorial in 45 mins.. so i'll just wait till work to get comfy :)

last night i had a dream.. about love. YEP. dreams about love.. oh what fun right? the healing process is slow. but it will come by..

i still feel like im connected. ya so emo right? bah.. i dont even know what to think.. haha im frazzled. BUT that could be because im lacking sleep.. and i had this soup that tasted a bit funky.. HMM.

im excited to go out this weekend. im excited this paper is over with. OH GO I HOPE I GET OVER A C. :) i need to clean, bake, work.. i need to do a lot of things.

most of all.. i need to just bee haaaaaappy. i am. im content. im just sad when i think about what could have been. that's all ... promise!

big things man.. big things to come ^^. wow i am way too bubbly sometimes .. bwhaha

- j

turn it off

"and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff; and in the free fall i realize i'm better off when i hit the bottom"

paramore is my favorite band. mmHmmm!

i am naive.

i believe everyone is good, and no one lies. and that everyone.. is well caring and loving for the benefit of the relationship and not for their selfish desires.

this world is so complicated.. im lucky i have a select few who i can trust..

faith fails me every once in a while.. but that's why we hope for better things to come right?

.. also i dropped my bb for the first time today.. im devastated.. *sigh*

im not going to sleep tonight because i have to finish my paper..and i have a lab at 8 am.. oh god. i am so screwed...

bahHhhhh. i complain a lot hey? my mom noticed this.. when things go my way.. i am ecstatic, but when they go off track.. im the moodiest piece of poo ever made on earth.. .hmm. things to work on. my attitude and my stubborness.

ugh. my poor phone :(.. oh well. lol A+ nursing paper here i come! (HA!) more like b+ lol.

good night everyone.. good morning to some.. and well no sleep for me tonight. :P

- j

an update on life.

ugghhh. the coffee i made myself this morning was much too strong.. now my brain hurts...

anyways. an update on life? deleted c off of bbm & he beat me to deleting on fb. ya...

we got in a fight yesterday. yep. we fight when we're not even together. how dysfunctional right? oh well. he lets me in..then pushes me away..then lets me step in a little closer than pushes me away.. stringing me along until he realizes what he really wants.. which is.. who knows what.

so i've cut it off. no more. really. NO MORE. as my friend little J says "he knows where you live, you have a phone, email, msn. its the 21st century. if he wants you, he'll find you!"

so away i go. away from him even though all i want to do is be with this person. lame RIGHT? haha oh lurve, how unbelievably silly you are. time to move on and be happy .. finally :)

paper writing.. how amazing you are. focus on school.. friends.. family and life. right?.. even though we all know ill be back on here complaining away about how unhappy i am in a couple of hours.

are we all not just a little bit dysfunctional?

.. and life goes on.

- j

wow...

so good.. so pretty... so *pink