HEYOO, cat's got swagga'

i left my heart in ozerna

i am either pmsing or..

crazy has come out to play.

that's when you know this might be forreal. fml

and as long as i can feel you holding on...

i know that i'm not perfect but i keep trying

cause that's what i said i would do from the start

i'm not alive if i'm lonely, so please don't leave

was it something i said, or just my personality

spoon full of sugar

You kind of make my days suck a little less.

what it is and where it stops no body knows.

now that was random.

now i know. that as nice as a person may be, if they don't care or want anything from you, they will push you away.

i woke up wanting an end to this. i don't care for any substance that may come out of this. it was .. an experiment. so i'm sorry for what may have happened, i know more was expected from me. however, intuition took it's place and from the beginning, and i had no desire for any of it.

it may not be fair what i am putting myself through. but i found what makes me happy. friendship, warmth, laughter.. i can go off on that. i can be fine with it. and that's what is being reciprocated.

so no more randoms please. that's not how you test the waters, nor how you try and hide your feelings.

nobody wants to listen to the truth.

He said look we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine, I get it. But, you know, I just... Need some consistency. I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently...

She said and I can't give you that. Nobody can.

-500 days of summer

blahhhhharrgghhbahhhh.

i have control over being messy. you don't.

i think i'm going crazy.

i feel like everyone has issues. well everyone does. but learning about all of this mental health stuff is just eating at me. i want to help everyone.. but after i thoroughly think about it for a good day, i get scared, back off and leave it as is. wow.. what a great nurse right? it's so much easier to help someone you don't know than someone you care about. the first step to recovering is feeling low.. and with everyone in my life.. i get scared to talk to them or confront them. maybe because i have a terrible way of letting them know i care. i like to yell, i like to shout, i like to make it seem that i know better and they are not living up to my expectations. and that.. is wrong. is this the beginning of my life as a nurse? feeling as though i've failed everyone because i cannot seem to get the courage to fix my surroundings? people who want to be helped are much easier to assist..

i can't even help myself. why is this such a big question mark? i am over thinking again. why can't i just be happy and go about without worry?

if they didn't have problems, they wouldn't be hookers.

i'm tired of the hookers and blow, i need to find myself a wife.

frustration

i've easily just had the most stressful day of my life. okay maybe not.. but i love my current job because it's flexible and i have a lot of time to myself.. and no one really bothers me..

add in who knows how many inches of snow and terrible road conditions.. and hello stressful work environment. i think i went through every emotion today, happy, sad, frightened, terrified, hopeful, hopeless, angry.. and now i am just relieved that i am at home safe..

i was very proud of myself because i have minor problems with being stuck.. every time i got stuck i was able to wiggle myself out of the snow.. however.. i did eventually get stuck for almost an hour. luckily this wonderful lady who smelled like a man (she was definitely a lesbian..and i could have swore i fell in love with her heroic actions) and a gentlemen who lived beside her. They took about 45 minutes to get me out..and voila.. i was stuck free. i think i could have cried to them because i was so grateful...

that being said.. i'm still just super peev'd and annoyed and almost everything and everyone today..and i just don't know how to make it go away. i think i'm just disappointed that maybe i'm actually realizing how little my 'prospect' has to offer.. and .. ya. what a waste of time. i feel like women are much more dependable than men.. maybe i am turning into a lindsay lohan.. nawww. that's wrong.

too many disappointments. i am sick and tired of seeing it. and i am sick and tired of this day.

her thoughts, her words, are my words.

"As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to live a different life. I wanted stronger more confident and independent parents. I dreamed of finding out one day that they made a mistake at the hospital, the babies were switched and this rich beautiful family would come get me. I imagined winning the lottery and moving as far away from what surrounded me as possible. One day I even imagined what it would be like to be born a different nationality..maybe french. The strangest thing is, I hardly ever imagined what it would be like to be a different person. What does that mean? Didn’t my life, all of it, make me who I am? Does that mean it was all worth it? Does what surround me make me who I am? Did they make me?

I guess today when I imagined a different life all I could see was a different building, different car, different country, but the same me.

Maybe this is what ultimately shows me that it might actually be okay. Everything will be okay because ..well… maybe it was all worth it."

-AV

maybe some pieces are too small to clean up

2011

i have everything figured out, except relationships.

he has nothing figured out, especially relationships.

let's forget it happened, and pretend there will never be anything because no one wants to get hurt.

okay, i will... for now.