that great white light.

I work with seniors everyday and I can't imagine how it would feel if one day one of my clients died. I would probably get a call from the office informing me of my clients passing, but what would happen if they died while I was there? I would probably pass out in hysterics. Which is, not a very good thing.

I've always been really, not so much wierded out but.. passive with the idea of death. When my grandma died, I was sad. However, I wasn't really close to her so I didn't have as much of a sadness as let's say any of her children. I remember, during my first year rotation, one of the ladies on my wing died while I was on shift. It was weird to me because one minute I was walking past her room and she was breathing, and the next her family was gathered in her room crying. I remember asking my instructor how we were supposed to act towards the family. She told us to give the family our condolences.

I'm not really good with saying sorry, because sometimes I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say sorry. It feels awkward to me. I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, but am I actually sorry? I feel bad, yes. But saying sorry sometimes feels, offensive. I just don't know.. this is so confusing. If I could, I would just give everyone a hug. I feel so awkward not knowing what to say.

I was talking with a friend of mine one day and she told me she hated when people gave her some sort of sympathy. Her mother was diagnosed with an illness, luckily it wasn't terminal. She said that she hated when they said "sorry" or "everything should be alright" because, well they didn't know what she was going through and she really didn't want to hear those words, especially from a stranger.

I guess my point is, I just feel awkward because I don't know how to act with situations such as sickness and death. It's ironic because I'm studying to be a nurse. I try to be as real as I can be, and I guess 'faking' sympathy is not my forte. Don't get me wrong, I AM sympathetic, it's just getting that feeling out is very hard.

Personally I like to give a hug, and keep my thoughts to myself, because no one wants to say the wrong thing.

on a side note ...don't you ever wonder what the person is thinking right before they pass? like, say they're walking see an ice cream bar and is thinking "oh damn i could totally go for a chocolate..." or if they're laying in bed, thinking "wow I wish someone could hear me right now, and please forgive me for..."

Sometimes life ends a little too suddenly.

anyways. happy days.

- j

(photo via google; white light)